just can't get enough of FAB!!!

I do have a LOT to be thankful for!

Regardless of how my heart aches with every disappointment, inspite of all the bitchy innuendos from my so-called 'friends' ( i don't need these crappy she-devils, hehe), amidst every hurtful powerplay, endless mind games and unbearable silence...I AM SO READY TO TAKE IT ALL IN!

Bring it on! I don't give a hoot if anyone (bitch or devil) wants to make mincemeat out of me. I'm way beyond caring. Haha, make me squirm if you want. I won't budge. Hehe, get your kind of high and try to put some dent on my nasty exterior. See if you can learn a thing or two from messing with me. It won't even matter anymore if you intend to make me angry since I am always 'anger brewing personified' (yep, you need to exert a great deal of effort to make me angrier).

After much thought and silence, I came to the conclusion that people (specifically MEAN girls!) will do everything to pierce that happy bubble you've been immersed in. Nasty words, nasty thoughts, nasty gossip, everything! Strange why these MEAN girls would even try to squirm their non-existence into your very exciting life. Bakit ba gusto pang umeksena ng mga babaeng ito sa buhay mo? Get a life 'ho! Try to find someone else to harrass, hehe.

Anyhoo, I am just going with the flow. Adapting a fatalistic attitude to all that's FAB in my life right now. If it happens, it happens. Just accepting that shit is there all the time. How I deal or un-deal with all that's bad is ultimately up to me. Sadness is always a part of the happy equation. Striking a balance makes life more intoxicating and challenging. Challenge is my other middle name. Nothing perks me up (aside from a cup of home-brewed coffee) more than a a new challenge every time. And I usually get things done (I revel in my personal achievement because I never take advantage of anyone just to achieve glory. I give due to anyone who's lent me their precious time & expertise. I don't gloat. I simply say a very heartfelt 'thank you').

AND To my rainbow, my honeypie, my babe, my friend and my special guy: I will always be here to love you. We may not have all that's perfect in this lifetime, at least ours is always a work in progress. We may not always have sunshine all day but we will always have moonlight to keep our nights dreamy. We may never fight loud because we've found our special way of talking without getting personal. We may not always have a lot of time together but our time apart makes us look forward to being with each other. The world may not allow us to loudly declare our unconditional love because we know where we stand in this relationship. Without question, without any doubt, I am here for you. Your silent strength gives me a reason to look beyond the insanity that creeps into my life every now and then. I always thank Him for keeping you safe. Thank you for being you and I couldn't ask for more.

Cheers!

DEADMA.DRAMA.KABADUYAN.TOTOONG BUHAY.ATBP.

Aba! Valentine's Day 2009 na pala sa Sabado! Hehe.

Yep, the most commercialized day of the year is almost here. Ain't that grand? Romantic gestures, sexual undertones, chocolates, roses, wine, candlelit dinners, dates, kisses and everything that speaks of LOVE. There's even a so-called Black Valentine, which I've been an avid believer for almost three years. Not because of being loveless for quite some time but simply because the color black has such a very mysterious yet formal appeal to me.

But for this year, I may still wear black on the 14th. With a hint of print here and there, just not solid black anymore. I may not have a romantic date lined up on that day since we've decided to go out on feb 15 instead. In his words, "Dai kita maluwas sa valentine ta baduyon yan!". I just had to laugh at how he said those words. I had to agree with him, with a cringe too. Tables will be reserved, rooms will be fully booked, rates will be skyhigh, flowers will be impossibly unaffordable. You get the idea, right? And there's nothing wrong with a post-Valentine date, or a pre-Valentine date for that matter. Even a Valentine date, if that's your thing. What's important is: you both love each other unconditionally, everyday and every night. Whatever happens.

Here's my take on UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. For almost three months, I've been like a fish out-of-water. Altho I wasn't really sure where my feelings would lead me to, I gave it my best shot. Lambing, suyo, oras, papansin, may gifts pa! Much time, much patience, much love, much respect for him. Even when he was treating me with a not-too loveydovey friend muna tayo kind of affection (darn!), I still held on. I had to endure sleepless nights, cried some, lived on bits of his attention. All through it all, I continued my prayers.

Last Tuesday before I signed off from work, I sent him my goodbyes. It was such an empowering feeling to be able to tell him how much hurt he's caused me. Sad though with the idea that we never had the chance to really talk things over and maybe, give our relationship another chance. Had to move on, so I shrugged my shoulders and went out into the biting cold.

The next day, he came by. Deadma. Silence again. He stood too close for comfort. He smelled soooo gooood! I was only too aware of how he smelled - an irresistible blend of clean male scent, freshly-showered, and the cologne I gave him for Christmas! Aw gawd! Haha, I really controlled myself from grabbing his hand! When he left, I sat down and placed both of my hands on my forehead (aww sh_t talaga!, hehe). Then the silly grin never left my face for about 20 minutes.

Fasttrack to Friday, Feb. 6 - I was looking forward to making a vodka infusion with ripe pineapples for jammin' time with 2 friends over the weekend. As I was spacing out infront of the TV, I heard my mobile phone beep. Glancing over my inbox, there were two messages from him. What does he have to say this time? Two messages asking where I was, if I'm angry AND if I'm still angry. I called him, told him that I'm not angry, can never be angry at him.

"How are you?", he said.

"I have highblood because you took me for granted", I replied.

"You've been quarrelling me that's why", him.

"Really? And when was that?" I followed that up with "So, are we ok now?"

"Yes!", he affirmed.

"Promise?", I asked.

"Promise!", he confirmed.

But that was not enough for me...

"You could at least talk to me in person right now. Are you going to fetch me or we'll just meet somewhere?", I prodded.

"I will fetch you there. I'm going to your house right now," was his answer.

"Ok, make it around 8pm. I will just wash my face".

"I'll go there now", he insisted.

I freshened up, took my time eventhough he was already outside waiting for me.

He drove along the highway and started talking...

"When I read your messages I thought that you're really angry at me. You were saying goodbye! I got drunk last Tuesday night because I don't want you to say goodbye to me".

"And how do you think I felt when I heard that you're getting married next year?", I inquired.

"Who told you that? It's just talk".

"If you think you're the only one who have sources, I have my sources too."

"Who do you think I'm getting married to next year?"

"That's up to you", I retorted.

We never really had any heated argument. Instead, it turned out to be a fun and pleasant open forum. He never got passed his one and only excuse: I was quarreling him because he never responded when I asked: when did that happen. Finally, we were really able to talk about how things should go between us.

"You know, our 6th months is coming up soon," I reminded him.

"Yes, on Monday", he said.

"So, what's your plan? Are we going to start all over again, back at 1?".

"No, let's continue on to our 6th month. Let's forget all about the sad things that took place", his answer.

"You're going to make me cry again".

"Again?" He hugged me.

"Can I hear it?", I whispered while I listened to his heartbeat.

"I love you".

"I love you too. Can I kiss you now?".

His lips are always so kissably soft.

He had to smile when I told him that.

He took me home early. As we cruised along the busy highway, he started to sing. I was doing backup vocals. We sang together for the first time. He was really singing out loud, even way louder than the beeping horns of passing cars.

Another answered prayer. It was a happy night, for both of us.

xxxoooxxx

excerpts

Yey! The weekend's upon us again! Isn't it amazing how days whiz by so fast - there and not there - in a heartbeat. Each day, nuance and sidelight could evoke all kinds of emotions. Adverse thoughts, too. A lot of laughter, a bit of pain, a load of frustration, a pinch of jealousy perhaps, or a combination of everything you go through. Workday or lazy day, it won't even matter. As long as there is learning and the chance to contribute to human greatness, there won't be any room for doubt, pressure or frustration. Carpe diem! Sieze the day! (Or in this case, seize the weekend!)

My work week is not yet over though. Still have a day's work waiting for me tomorrow, Saturday. A few more notches to tie, some loose ends to fix and time to prep up for next week's tasks. Better be on the lookout for whatever (SURPRISE!!!) lies ahead. Well, this only applies to me, given the sort of work environment I'm in: a pit of cramped, muddled, bottomless, endless smorgasboard. Pretty exciting, don't you think?

One of my tasks include handling tons of paperwork. Everything M.A.J.O.R., literally, begins from my work station. If there's a perk I enjoy at work, that would be meeting and talking to all types of people. I love it! As much as I enjoy talking, I'm also a good listener. Anecdotes keep me alive. Comic timing is a rare treat. Especially if it's heard from another person's point-of-view...

IS THIS SEAT TAKEN? Have you ever wondered why some banks don't have those numbered paper thingies anymore? That was my personal question 3 days before Christmas last year while I lined up at this bank. The same question was finally answered when I went to the same bank for work-related reasons this afternoon. Mr. Bank Manager regalled me with his 3-pronged analysis to his bank's decision to remove those numbered paper thingies. It was such a laugh trip! Mr. Bank Manager, seemingly poker-faced, with twinkling eyes and a colorful language repertoire, really leaves me in stitches! 1st: Supposedly, it was never their intention to make their clients sit on 50 seats until they reach the designated teller for each transaction. Instead, the process of lining up should have been this way: Imagine 50 seats (10 per row). As soon as the 1st 10 seats/clients have been served by the tellers, the next row of clients occupying the succeeding 10 seats should move up to the 1st row, so on and so forth. Thus, it won't be "sit down, sit down" on 50 seats but only "sit down, sit down" on 5 seats per client! But, this setup never materialized because of clients innate mitrust between themselves. 2nd: This is a good way to catch unscrupulous people posing as bank clients. He said, what's the point of waiting in line (read: 50 seats) just for the heck of it and not having any legit transaction at all? A shady character could be lurking behind hooded eyes, someone may be planning a holdup (hopefully not!) or another only wants to make the most out of the bank's airconditioned premises. Can you believe that some would even go to lengths and sell the number thingies they have to those who want to get ahead of the line! 3rd: The practice of "advance party" at the bank was minimized. In his words: "Nagkakarigos pa ngani ngaya su totoong kliyente, pero may pinakua na syang enot nin numero dawa bako man sya ito! Unfair man na maabot sya digdi na nakapag-lipstick na asin bagong karigos habang an iba nag-iskusar na maglinya and maghalat na apudon an saindang numero..." (read: the bank client leisurely takes a bath while another person takes a number for him. It's unfair that he/she goes to the bank looking good & freshened up while there are other bank clients who patiently wait for their turn..."). Very light-hearted explanation, right?

MINI CHANGES MAKE HIM A LITTLE BIT MORE...MINE? Hopefully, again and soon! Or it could be just wishful thinking. Call me hopeless. My oh my! I like it when a man takes charge of his life, his work, his passions and his daily challenges. Keeping busy because he's tired of just standing around in between projects, minimizing his usual dose of nightly sessions with beer buds and being more responsible. He has style & flair that never screams "Hey, look at me! I'm THE man!" (that's purely pathetic!). Instead, he holds that silent strength of character which can be compared to the delightfulness of an ecstatic moan. He is sexy, strong, smart, sweet and has a great smile. His eyes are like "liquid honey or dark molasses-mesmerizing-piercing without any bad intent". Irresistible, yes. But, a tad out-of-reach for me, for now. How it's come to this? It's entirely his decision and I respect that. Altho most of the time i just want to ask him for a hug! Haha. I'm just being a girl, seemingly content with making goo-goo eyes, drooling, daydreaming, loving every glance & keeping a safe distance. Until when? Hmmm.

Happy weekend, y'all!

2009

Two words came to mind: infinity pool. The same words that may best describe the first few days of my new year. Underneath the calm surface lies a shadow of real turbulence marked by pros and cons, decisions and uncertainties, love and disappointment, learning and lies, honor and anarchy, humanity and mistrust.

I'm starting to wobble - something that shouldn't reach full-blown capacity or else (you paint the picture). There is the fear of drowning in my personal pit of self-doubt. Sometimes, the thrill of tackling and handling new challenges is no longer that empowering. I even wonder if love will ever be the same again. But taking baby steps everyday also seem to lead to grace under pressure. Trodding. Plodding. Numbness. Awareness. Reality. Truth.

The realization that love will never be enough to spare anyone from being hurt holds a real ring to it. It's even beyond understanding why even those you hold dear are the same people who will trample on you even without provocation. The universality of familial caring is just another way to blindside anyone with the best of intentions. Respect seems to be so rare, even among those who share the same bloodline. Passion suddenly disappears in the blink of an eye, without any rational reason or explanation. And just like that, you suddenly find yourself in a desolute state of being alone again: to ponder, dwindle, gasp and hang on to what's left of you.

Amidst everything and everyone, there is always enough hope to get you through the remaining 355 days of this year. Regardless of how bad the economy may be, how the northwest monsoon coldly blows, how loud you may hear you heart breaking, how your facial wrinkles seem to pile up on top of each other and how many times you fall flat on your nose, there is always a reason to say: Cheers!

Tangled in TunnelVision

"Be careful of getting caught up with people who are careless or fickle, sam, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Your tender emotions are too sensitive to endure the thoughtlessness, bluntness, and ultimately the rejection from someone who was simply not a good person for you to hang around with in the first place. Try not to invest yourself too emotionally in situations or people today."

That was included in one of my astro readings for today. I've always enjoyed horoscopes and anything mythic/mystic. I've always adhered to the idea that these readings have a grain of truth, may even be based on something true or purely generic yet fun coincidence. I also love the idea that, somehow, certain cosmic forces are out there waiting for the best time to shower on me their endless rays of light when everything seem hazy. But that's just me, hehe. 

Almost two weeks have gone by yet I'm still on 100% PRETEND mode. If there's a title to which I can rightfully claim entitlement, that would be Ms. Pretentious (grin). I get affected by a lot of things way beyond crazy. I tend to analyze issues into specifics. I like to talk, talk and talk some more. I value the opinion of people I care about even when it would mean having them listen to what I need to say - even to the point of talking out loud EVERYTHING in shreds. Gosh! I can be a real pain when I feel the need for an instant fix of talking/listening/understanding and hearing advice (grin some more). The pretend mode really comes in handy especially when dealing with really impossible events and characters. In my book, this mode shields me from feeling each pain all over again. Another layer to add into my seemingly thick skin. It's a great coverup for all the tumult within me. Hurting deep inside, being able to freely talk about it and disguising the disappointment with pretense. Not an easy task but worth the effort.

You know where this leads to, right? So I'm still trying to breathe underwater. No, make it under sludge. I'm hoping that a kind of rational realization will hit me soon. Since my last post, I've been on an emotional tightrope of highs and lows, mostly lows. Made a promise to myself not to get affected by him, stay detached, act as if all's no biggie. TOUGH LUCK. When I wasn't paying him any attention, he starts a conversation. When I just look at him in the eye, he catches my eye too. When I don't talk to him, he taps my shoulder and say my name. I don't smile at him now, he smiles at me though. And there's this one practice we've been doing for almost 2 weeks now: when our eyes lock, we hold our unflinching gazes, as if we're looking deep into each other's soul, no smile passes between us, no flicker of hate (thankfully!), but there's only silence. 

I don't want this silence to unnerve me. At the same time, I am so tired of making the first attempt to clear up the air. What makes it doubly tough is the fact that he's almost always within my line-of-sight and hearing range. That's twice the pain, two times the anger, double the effort of not caring anymore. 

BUT, I still care about him. I still can't shake him off. Really. It's going to take some time, right? I've read somewhere that 60 days of "me-time" work wonders for anything that's love-related. I can go on with this drama that he started. I can shadowbox with the half-truths and empty lies. He can hurt me with his inherent indifference and I can do the same to him. He could stay away from me and I can stay away from him. He can just shrug me off to oblivion and I can even treat him like he's invisible. 

I can step away slowly and leave him with an unbelievable loss, his loss. (AND that is worse than being un-dead.)

Options Of Optimism

Consider this post as another update attempt, no more no less.

Last weekend, I gave in to my wanderlust, packed my overnight bag and rode the Lazyboy to Manila. Had to do personal errands and shop for early simple Christmas treats for people who've made a difference in my life this year. From the swanky malls to shoppers-filled Divisoria, I had my fill of scents, textures, tastes, prices, styles, everything!

 I saw KC Concepcion (I am such a fan of this awesome girl!) during her 'Meet & Greet'. I did not buy her debut cd, instead had fun watching KC with Tina while we had dinner at Shakeys' which was conviently located within the Event Center of SM Marilao. And the food! I had my share of junk food, fast food, home-cooked meals, sweets, pastries, and all that's glorious. I don't mind putting on some pounds, eating is one guilty pleasure that's worth indulging into sometimes. Hehe.

Lots of talk time took place too, over that weekend. With my sis-in-law Puds, niece Joy and nephew Kurt, including the househelp, plus baby time with nephew HP. Had the chance to hangout with Tina, a nice and down-to-earth girl. Tina & I watched "The Women" and it was such a riot! We agreed on: "That's a movie that every girl should watch with her girlfriend/s. It's also a good date movie wherein a guy could (hopefully) learn a thing or two about women & their greatness." Parmesan & garlic popcorn, Cokes, bottled water, great company and funny movie...100% YES! 

Now, it's back to the grinding stone for me. It's been three days of work already. Can you believe that I am actually having lots of laugh time at the office now? Amazingly unbelievable! Well, the workload is still as toxic as polluted fumes, but, the crunch is more bearable. Maybe I'm finally able to adjust my being a round hole to a very square peg. Or the thought that life is too short to be bitter and sad is an effective mantra to beat out stress. Whatever works, bring it on!

And just to balance the seemingly cheery scenario, I'll take a detour to my so-called lovelife. It's not blissful. It's not perfect. It's not just there. And I won't be taken in for another ride to relationship oblivion. The realization that I can love and hate this one guy (in the same breath, with the same intensity) even makes sense. Somehow, I am still buoyed by the thought that I did my best inspite of all his shortcomings and lame excuses. Maybe I've been blindsided - by what I thought I saw in him (that special something in him) - which he even failed to see on his own. 

I tried to reach out to him but to no avail. Bad move. 

As if his silence was not heartless enough, he even had the guts to text me: "Friend na muna kita ha. Tnx. Gudnyt!" (Friend for now. Tnx. Gudnyt!). What gives? Haha. I just had to give him a piece of what I need to say. The text I sent him last night went this way: "DON'T even think that I'm going to chase you around or that I will argue with you. I sent you this text only for my peace of mind. I want to treasure the good moments. At the same time, it hurts like hell not knowing where I stand. You want us to be friends for now. Like how? Friends with benefits, fling or bestfriends? Do you have any valid reason? Why can't you say that in person? I did my best, no regrets. I respected you. Dai ako nagkulang saimo. It seems you are not even ready to have me in your life. Altho it's unfair, I respect your decision." (No reaction from him, as expected).

TODAY...

I saw him. 

I heard his voice. 

I never looked at him.

What for? 

He won't even look at me.

It won't hurt that much...ONE DAY. 

My Rainbow

I had a very early start at bridging the distance between the two of us. After a week of silence and stubborn indifference, I was ready to make peace and forget the fact that I've been thru so much pain because of loving my guy. No qualms, no regrets, whatever happens or nothing at all.

I sent him some text messages, reaffirming my true feelings for him. That no matter what, I will hold steadfast. I've apologized for any hurt which I may have brought on him. Needless to say, I also hinted that I'm not entirely to blame for this. That I am still trying to understand his reason, and that I respect his decision for staying away.

I've always believed that he is a good person. There's just something special about him. He's like a diamond in the rough - carat, color, cut. Even when subjected to extreme temperature and temper, he will still shine like a prism or a rainbow. That's what I saw in him. AND I will always look at him that way.

The day's hours went too fast. Made more toxic by all the craziness at the office. How I was able to handle three ASAP requests (from Naga, from Manila & from Cagayan) in less than an hour was beyond me. There's hope for me, I may really have superpowers that I am not aware of! Hehe.

Upon the prodding of a very good friend at past 8pm, I called him up. I was about to hang up because he wasn't answering. And when he finally took my call...

"Who's this?", he asked in a soft tone.

"Who am I? This is Sam", I replied with the same tone.

He asked, "How are you?"

"I'm not ok and I'd like to say sorry. How about you? Are you ok now? Are you still angry at me? Have I annoyed you too much?", I asked him back.

"Where are you?", he asked

"I'm here at home. Where are you now? Where have you been?", were my questions for him.

"Just here at home too. It's ok, Sam. I'm not angry at you. Too bad, I've got to go for now. I have to join the boss again tonight. He's actually downstairs as we speak. And I'm not lying to you about it", he said.

"It's fine with me. Have fun tonight. Thank you for this. Again, I'm really sorry if I offended you in any way", I answered with a smile.

"Ok".

(I texted him with: "Don't worry about me, I'm ok now. Thanks to you. Take care." To which he promptly replied: "You too." - short but sweet, like always)

Finally, I was able to really breathe again. My grin turned into a very wide smile! I whispered my thanks for this answered prayer. Wow! All the uncertainties that I had during the past week disappeared. This is a fresh start. Words of love were not spoken tonight, so no expectations. Rushing and being rash are not the operative keypoints now.

Taking a chance, regardless of the outcome, will always be worth it. So happy I did!

After more than 72 hours...

I still don't understand the reason why he demanded for a cool-off.

I've cried myself to sleep.

Alone time has turned into something that I don't look forward to.

Each time I close my eyes, it's his face I see.

I've been trying to find the comic side to this unwelcome sadness.

Laughed it off, to no avail.

Pray.

Shrugged the emptiness only to discover more emptiness.

Grief, somehow, has offered a certain kind of comfort.

I haven't sent him any text message, haven't called him, haven't seen him, haven't talked to him.

Have talked about him.

Have thought about him.

Have wondered if he's thinking about me too. (I simply don't have any way of knowing.)

When I heard his voice over the telephone last Friday, altho he called the office NOT to talk to me, the effect on me was instant. I felt a glimmer of hope. Was it his way to reach out? Did he sound sad? Was the call intentional? I will never know, but I'd like to think so. (Please humor me on this one, again.)

I am blessed to have wonderfully supportive family and friends around who are willing to listen to everything I have to say, who are ready to pounce on my bf if he'll ever show his face, who never got tired of my over-analysis of the issues and who've prayed with me. The same persons who've shared their reactions - some want to smack his face with beer bottles, others would enjoy torturing him with goons, or those who would like to pinch him just to put some sense back in his head. Varied degrees of hate alright, typically human.

While my friends concocted ideas of knocking his head down, I've thought otherwise. His shabby treatment of me don't need to be dealt with revenge. If my friends can't wait to put him in his place, I'd still go through lengths to stand by him - with blinders on.

I'm not perfect, he isn't perfect. We are perfect for each other? Hopefully.

???!!!???!!!

"Hi honeypie. I want to have sex with you tonight. You have until 7.30pm to make up your mind. If you're interested, textback. If you don't want to, it's up to you. Point is, I've invited you."

That was the text message I sent my bf last Wednesday Oct. 15, before lunch. I've never sent any guy an indecent proposal before, just him. You see, I've ran out of options of spending downtime with him. Tried the sweet approach (didn't work), been very understanding (no dice), never demanded for more than what he can share with me (which was turning into NIL), didn't nag (peace not war), always tried to make excuses for his absence and his constant backing-out-of our scheduled dates-at the last minute (simply because he was feeling lazy to go out). Not the type to have grand expectations about our relationship, I just accepted everything in stride. For the simple reason: I really love my bf. Which was more than enough reason for me to stand by him and not give up on what we have.

All at once, it was 3pm. I did a double take because I saw him inside the other room. He looked so grim, he was actually scowling. My bf is always a jolly person, full of humor and fun. He's a good man. I was actually surprised and a bit scared when I saw his black mood - it was written all over his handsome face. I'd like to add that he is also tall, dark and handsome (at least for me, haha). He was out of the office as fast as he came in. So I texted him to: "smile. it's nice to see you today".

Fasttrack to 7.32pm. My heart was pounding. I dialed his number. He answered after my third attempt to call.

"Sam, I was taking a bath", he said. (Good! I thought. He's getting ready for our date.)

"C'mon hon. Let's go out tonight."

"Where are we going?", he asked.

"Let's meet and just be together."

"Ok.."

I sent him a message to inform him of our usual meeting place. He replied with: "Sam, let's just be together tomorrow. I'm going out with boss tonight, boys' night".

Not again? No way! I replied with: "Do you want me to ask permission from the boss that you have to be with me for our date because you're my bf? I can always tell him that. Why do you always have an excuse when I'm involved?" I was doing my best to keep my temper in check.

He sent me another text at 7.44pm: "We'll talk tomorrow. I'll spend time with you then."

Mine was: "Why do you always do this? Don't you love me anymore?"

No reply. I repeated: "Don't you love me anymore? What's your answer?" Still no reply.

Except for this, at 8.00pm: "I think it would better for both of us to cool-off for a while, to give us time to think."

My reply: "No. We will not have any cool- off. We will talk tomorrow. Didn't we agree that we will work on staying together? (Walang bawian - our agreement when we made things official between us 2 months and 1 week ago).

Then, at 8.05pm: "It doesn't matter. You are always quarreling me. The thing that I hate most is when anyone fights me all the time. This is enough. Don't forget, I loved you and I never cheated on you."

WHAT???!!!! WHERE DID THAT CAME FROM???!!! AND WHAT'S THIS ABOUT CHEATING ANYONE??? HUH??? WAS I CHEATING ON HIM??? I DON'T THINK SO!!!

Even when I was so pissed off at him, I still managed to textback: "I'm sorry. I have no idea how to make it up to you. If you want time, ok. If you want space, ok. I love you and I am willing to fight for you. But if this cool-off is what you really want, who am I to stand in your way? Again, I'm sorry."

He never replied again. Even now.

I'm really hurt. I will never understand how he could love me and just give up. His reason: I was always quarreling him - his petty reason for this cool-off. I wasn't even doing that. Maybe he just needed a lame excuse to bail. He wasn't man enough to show his balls and stand by his promises to stay with me, no matter what. He was so unfair, maybe he never really loved me at all. He just played around with my feelings. He took the cowardly way out and made everything my fault. I was his alibi. His bloated male ego and stupid pride got the best of him. Maybe he suddenly got selective amnesia and forgot the unconditional love I gave him without asking for anything in return.

I love him. More than he will ever know. I am willing to go through lengths to fight for him. I've been kind, patient, loyal and never tore him away from his habits, lifestyle, guy friends, and other things he's been preoccupied with. I've accepted him, quirks and everything. Even if I always took the back seat in our relationship, I never asked for more than scraps of his affection, time or presence because I'm secure with how I feel for him. All he had to do was look me in the eye and just smile. I've told him that no matter how bad each workday may be, I'll be ok because he loves me. That until I hear him say to my face that he doesn't love me anymore, I will keep on loving him. AND he's aware of all that because I told him.

Didn't he insult me when he rejected my indecent proposal??? I'm not perfect but I have really nice skin, no bad breath, no off-odor, disease-free, pretty and I always bathe. WTF??? Most of my guy friends even said: "What's wrong with your bf? Rejecting a proposal like that is not a typical guy reaction. Is he gay? If he ever show his face to us, we'll beat the hell out off him! He's a disgrace to all men because if a bf really loves his gf, and she offered something so special, what's his reason to refuse her?."

I'm still trying to put some sense to it all. The pain in my heart will linger. Waiting is such a lonely verb. I've been trying to see the comic side of all the torture he's inflicted. My fault? Allowing him to treat me badly. But then the realization that I'm still giving it my best shot could get me through my longing, the emptiness and the silence. Somehow, I can say that I have no regrets. I'm keeping the faith, constantly praying that soon, things between us will work out, and that I will be able to see myself in his eyes again.

But for now, I am keeping my distance. Giving him what he wants. Allowing him to find what he's looking for. I'm not making any first move. It's up to him to act, whenever that is.

I can wait. I will wait. Until he comes to his senses. Love gave us a reason to find each other. Hopefully, love will give us another chance to complement our humanity...together.

Venus Women, Martian Men

The polarity of being x (female chromosome) and y (male chromosome) is always mind-boggling. Inspite of very obvious differences, a balance between the two sexes can also be achieved. At best, they complement each other - whether it's purely platonic, extremely romantic, or (by golly!) tinged with pure lust. On its downside, the sharpest claws can rip out even the heart of an insensitive brute, hehe.

I've always been amazed by men and all their weird traits. Amidst all their macho behavior, there's always something special in every guy. Learning what makes them act the way they do is just half of the surprise. The other half is learning how to deal with their unbelievable ways of not keeping their promises, not honoring their words, backing out of scheduled dates simply because they're 'feeling lazy' (believe me, 'feeling lazy' was his excuse) and taking us for granted. Go ahead, add more to my list! But, these guys are also wonderful quirks of Nature. Catch them in a good mood and they're agreeable to everything. Guys can be so loving (more so if they know you'll be returning the favor with more affection, hehe). They make each day an unlikely combo of great-sad-happy-wonderful-funny-whatever.

AND..It's really fun being a girl! More so, if there's one guy who makes you feel cranky, sees you at your worst but still loves you no matter how much you annoy him sometimes.

* read from one of the blogs i came across weeks ago:
The Advantages Of Being A Woman (25 reasons why it's better to be a WOMAN!)*
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. We can be groupies. Male groupies are called stalkers.
4. We can get off speeding fines by crying.
5. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
6. Taxis stop for us.
7. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
8. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
9. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
10. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
11. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
12. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
13. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
14. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
15. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
16. We never have to reach down ever so often to make sure our privates are still there.
17. We have the ability to dress ourselves without help.
18. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
19. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
20. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach stuck in our teeth.
21. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
22. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
23. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
24. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
25. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

The Advantages Of Being A Man...(25 reasons why it's better to be Man!)
1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades...
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work... more pay (sad but true).
11. Wrinkles---so what? Adds character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress: $2000; Tux rental: $100.
14. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time, fits all occasions.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
18. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
19. You can open all your own jars.
20. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me.".
21. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
22. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
23. You don't have to stop and think which way to turn the nut on a bolt.
24. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
25. Your orgasms are real. Always.

Lease

As long as I can remember, I often go with my gut feel. That, together with mental ability and legwork. Call it instinct, intuition, hindsight, foresight, impulse. People even say there's nothing wrong if your action is based on mere gut feeling. Others say that impressions don't last. Some might say the gut is just gas inside one's tummy. Whatever your take is, just chalk it up to daily experiences.

Now, here's my story - which took place on a supposedly very uneventful Friday evening, Oct 4, 2008...

Unable to shake off the 2-day tiredness that's been creeping up my bones, having only managed restless sleep, too much work, relentless errands, relationship unpredictability and nightly tutorials, I was looking forward to lazing infront of the TV for another cable marathon. I was pratically asking JM to speed up our tutorials on the premise that I want to go home and catch some sleep. The 4th grader simply flashed me his trademark smile, not even rushing. Ah, little boys!

Then, gunshots echoed through the stillness.

"Are those gunshots?", JM asked me, all the while looking down on his notebook.

"I don't know. An early New Year celebration, maybe?", I answered.

We just shrugged the sounds off. Then, E went inside the study room.

"Hey, authorities are lining up the street outside. I was told to lock the gates but then Sam is still here with you MJ. Will be locking up after your study hour".

After 10 minutes, I started to walk home. Near the corner store, I saw the first wave of onlookers and an ambulance. As I turned on my corner, there were patrol cars, composite forces (special ops and intelligence), men wearing shirts with letters like: NBI, CIDG, PSO, SWAT, high-calibre guns and more onlookers. Even my friend, Public Safety Office (PSO) head L, just gave me a small wave when I called out his name.

I approached an ER guy.

"What happened here, sir?"

"A shootout took place here a while ago caused by a robbery-holdup. Two died in the encounter, one didn't. Those robbers belong to a syndicate."

Picture this, my house is just one house away from the eskinita where the incident occured. I was out for tutorials, Mom was in church for a first Friday Mass, what if those robbers strode in our house to take cover?

Most of all, what if I acted on what my gut's been telling me? To just go home and leave MJ to study on his own? I felt my own fear as my knees shook. I held on to our gate and tried to catch my breath. Had I left earlier, worst case scenario? I could have been caught in the crossfire. (Was informed much later that before the gunshots were fired, the authorities were in an attack-ready-defensive stance just across the street from our house). I uttered a prayer.

The shots were fired past 6pm. The crowd dispered at 9:10 pm. All that was left were dried up blood on the street, the stench of death and a lit candle.

This Sunday's almost over. Much been aired on the radio and said on the news about last Friday's encounter. Fear still clings on the edge of my subconscious. I am trying to channel my nervous energy in a more positive way. I don't feel invincible for being spared from any stray bullet. What I know is; I've been given another great chance to do good things in my so-called life as a 35-something woman. To love unconditionally. To accept people without prejudice. To live life without grand expectations.

To be thankful for the here and now.

scrap the crap!

So what's new?

Nothing much - except for another undeserved tongue-lashing from the devil's gf. She was literally spewing out fire and hail. Such a pretty face with an unbelievable storage of vile words. Bad as it may sound, she blamed me for messing up some papers, again. I did not. It was the other girl's fault because she never gave me the list (but she claimed otherwise). Had to defend myself by saying: "I don't have a copy of that list. Each time I get anything from these people, I clip it in a folder. There's nothing in the folder.' (how can I mess up anything when I don't have anything to mess it up with? figure that out!).

AND THEN, HELL BROKE LOOSE! IT WAS BRUTAL!

Well, I don't give a hoot.

Whenever the devil's gf starts crapping up her entrails, I just look her in the face and transport myself into a happier place filled with rainbows, clouds and waterfalls. In my head, I'm humming lalalalala, as the devil's gf's spitefulness bounces off me. Works all the time for me, hehe. But after the undeserved verbal abuse, the left part of my upper back hurts. Short yet intense bursts of back pain that lingers for a while. But it will never stay. Just think of rainbows, clouds and waterfalls.

Humming now...lalalalala.

Salamat Po INA

ABOVE: 2 pics taken during the Traslacion
(Sept 12, 2008)
BELOW: fiesta food (Sept 22, 2008)
My home cookin' servings,
except for the sotanghon & palabok.

sotanghon

lasagna with herbed bechamel sauce

palabok

red ice tea with vodka & green lemons

roast turkey

country style pork with oyster sauce,
bell pepper and roasted walnuts

lumpiang shanghai









fried chicken
(NOT in pictures: potato salad, gulaman,
wacky choco cake, barbeque, rice)

Maogmang Fiesta Bicolandia!

The Peñafrancia fiesta, with all its gaiety, is an endearing and enduring Bicolano tradition that already spans almost 300 years. Much has been said about it but nothing comes close to being part of the event.

It won’t matter if you’re one of the tourists who’s only passing by or a true-blue Oragon because for 10 days, Naga City is filled with all kinds of merriment – from processions, parades, street dances, marching bands, parties, confetti and fun.

Sometimes, there is an occasional mishap, maybe two or three. As long as you’re open to every kind of piety manifestations, the varying degrees of sun and shade, gastronomic delights, mad rush of traffic and onlookers, funfare and religious fervor – then, you are always welcome Sa Maogmang Lugar!

Last Sept 12, the annual Peñafrancia fiesta formally started with the Traslacion. This opening salvo is always a miracle to watch and participate in.

People from all walks of life, devotees of Ina and her voyadores (barefoot, able-bodied men albeit tipsy) gather together to be with Her from the Basilica Minore to the Naga Cathedral where She’ll stay for 9 novena days. From the traslacion (transfer of Ina’s image), the Blessed Virgin of Peñafrancia is accompanied by her voyadores. These unsung group of men, I’d like to call them Ina’s special heroes, are often clad in color-coded shirts depending on their designated parishes. They often earn the ire of others because of their unintentional light stupor, but there’s an obvious reason for imbibing a shot of agua de pataranta. That is, to somewhat mask the smell of male sweat and humanity, maybe even avoid vertigo. Step by step, street by street, every shove, push or blister don’t seem to bother these voyadores as they guard the andas of Ina, being careful not to loose their hold on Her. And they always bring Her safely to the Cathedral Arch where more devotees anxiously wait for their arrival. As Her image is once again enshrined, Archbishop Legazpi then says a prayer and bestows the voyadores with a blessing thru Her miraculous intercession. Ina is often accompanied by the Image of the Divino Rostro.

Another tradition-infused event is the Fluvial Procession on the eve of her feast day which usually falls on the third Saturday of September. If the traslacion formally ushers in the festivities, the fluvial procession is the highlight. Ina is carried by her voyadores to the banks of Naga River where a barge is anchored. Just like the traslacion, only the males are allowed to participate. Ina traverses the waters amidst shouts of “Viva la Virgen! Viva!” and flutters of white panyos.

Dagos po kamo sa Naga!

Taking Notes

To live a life that's worth blogging about...

Almost two years and counting, I'm still grasping on straws.

Events, both good and bad, led to who I am today. Most days, I am quite normal but never average, hehe. Lately, I'm slowly morphing into a different sub-species altogether. It's a chronic change that I've accepted. Been starting to kick my hooves up, randomly spitting out a mean remark or two, swearing like a tabacco-chewing meanie, being intolerant to any kind of abuse and not allowing myself to be distracted from my goal of delivering a 100% effort in any given workday. I'm still (trying! to be) nice, polite, kind, understanding and sweet, but then, being a no-nonsense girl is way better.

Life isn't that boring now. Altho I've diverted from my usual "safe mode", my humane traits are intact. I only react when needed. I don't engage in physical violence and verbal attacks are left to a minimum. If I can still help it, I just shut my mouth and suffer in silence. Yep, I am a work in progress. My so-called creative approach to handle life's blows is a result of trial and error. Not all turn out remarkable, some even boomerang.

Masaya at makulay naman ang buhay. Which comes to mind one of my fave songs "When I See You Smile", by Bad English. Para bang disc jockey ulet ako nito ah. Maiba naman, this song is dedicated to me by one special guy (anonymity is absolute!). May kilig factor nga eh dahil di ko naman alam na he thinks of me that way at all. (Excuse me if I'm swooning like a crazed high school student).

Sometimes I wonder
How I'd ever make it through,
Through this world without having you
I just wouldn't have a clue
(my thoughts have wandered in the same path of misguided intentions, indecisiveness, plain cluelessness...)

'Cause sometimes it seems
Like this world's closing in on me,
And there's no way of breaking free
And then I see you reach for me
(hmmm..nuances of the concept of meeting him/her halfway seems to reverberate from these lines)

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you, baby
And everything's alright,
everything's alright
(some battles are worth fighting for. some are just not. so, know your battles and fight fair. often, you need to be shaken off your feet to know who will be there to catch you when you fall...)

When I see you smile
I can face the world, oh oh,
you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light, oh oh,
I see it shining right through the rain
When I see you smile
Oh yeah, baby when I see you smile at me
(there's nothing like a smile that's freely given and shared...be sure to smile back, but only if you really mean it. there's nothing more pathetic than a plastic smile)

Baby there's nothing in this world
that could ever do
What a touch of your hand can do
It's like nothing that I ever knew
("one touch of her hand and I know that it's for real", from Prince Charming Cinderella animated movie - and who says that fairy tales don't have fun/romantic lines?)

And when the rain is falling
I don't feel it,
'cause you're here with me now
And one look at you baby
Is all I'll ever need,
you're all I'll ever need
(makuha ka sa tingin? as they say: the eyes are the soul's windows. one look and words may not be needed. but hey, be sure to verbalize your thoughts too. hindi lahat ng tao may kakayahang magbasa ng isip, di ba?)

Chorus

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you baby
And everything's alright,
everything's alright
(some battles are worth fighting for. some are just not. so, juat know your battles and fight fair. often, you need to be shaken off your feet to know who will be there to catch you when you fall...)

So right...
(almost perfect, but always allow a room for error - this makes for a better partnership.)

Cheers y'all!

My "L" List

There's always something definite about any list. It is a purposeful reminder of things to do, places to go, people to meet, dates to remember, things to buy, etc. Having a list is a very easy memory aid, especially for those who are slooowwly and conveniently losing their capacity to recall certain tasks.

So, here goes some of mine: Like it or leave it? Up to you.

LOSER - Isang walang kwentang gago na walang isang salita (read: a very inconsiderate prick). Yep, the intro above is just a femme ploy to share my recent mis-encounter with one. Taken in for a ride again, what else is new? Guess I'll always be jaded and all I have to show for it is scar tissue. LESSON LEARNED.

LOVE - or the LACK thereof.

LUCK - some are just born with it, others don't seem to have it. Lady Luck always smiles to everyone. Team it up with hard work and fair play.

LOOKING - for one good reason to believe in ever having a real relationship with a guy who will not take me for granted. This is a spinoff of the aforementhioned mis-encounter. In my book, some guys have seemingly mastered the art of deception, dishonesty and deceit. Why are some guys unable to hold on to what they've said? Wala lang, ni hindi man lang mag-sorry sa pag-iwan sa'yo sa ere. (The inconsiderate prick doesn't even have the guts to say sorry for leaving you stranded).

LAUGHTER - is always the best medicine. It's cheap, readily available if freely given, the almost perfect cure for anything. May be enjoyed in solitude or in groups.

LIES - it doesn't matter what shade (white lies, grey lies, black lies, etc) or degree because lies always backfire. Take it from Billy Joel, "Honesty is such a lonely word, everyone is so untrue..."

LIFE - is a heady experience all the time. One of the best gifts ever given to us by the One Up There. Each day's end doesn't matter if a bit of this life failed to make any difference to the bigger world.

LUST - may be vital or not. May depend on one's need, preferences, timing, belief, or values.

LECHON, LIEMPO, LECHE FLAN - in order: roast pig, prime cut of meat, egg custard. Yummy, just eat in moderation.

LASTLY - hope you got it by now, the guy's name starts with the letter L. I won't even spell out his real name, it's the least I can do. I'm not THAT mean anyway, hehe.

Hitch

I AM NOT A LIAISON OFFICER.

What started off as a no-choice trip to Catanduanes has become an 'unexpected/added responsibility'. It's now my 'unofficial/official task' to go to other engineering districts to either: submit, confer, update, meet, find, etc. Mostly legwork, specifically liaison officers' legwork. The boss gave me the assignment to go to these districts in case of emergency (read: the real liaison officer is sick/had to go to another district, deadline of submission of documents, on such short notice and even during transport stike). All that and more, including my other duties at the office.

What used to be a once-in-a-blue-moon activity has become a regular undertaking. Last week, I logged in every other day commute. This week, if not for a much-needed bedrest, I could have made daily roadtrips to places I've never been to. All I have were verbal directions, trip allowance, endorsement, names of people I've yet to meet, papers, and positive thinking that each meeting will be hitch-free. The unbearable heat of the sun, unpredictable rain, seemingly absent officers, far-flung (hehe) districts could have made these trips worthwhile. Granting that the heat did not trigger much of my intense allergic reaction to sun exposure, each adventure made me unreasonably tired, frantic and impatient.

Imagine being in a strange place with strangers acting strangely.

Imagine getting to your destination during lunchbreak and upon returning in the afternoon, the lunch hours have been extended because no one is there yet to accommodate the purpose of your visit.

Imagine standing along the highway or infront of a tindahan to wait for a mini bus because the terminal is at a very far distance from where you're standing. It's either raining, sunny or both.

Imagine where to eat lunch when there is no canteen to find within the vicinity of some districts.

Imagine being thought as a guy simply because your nickname is Sam! Yep, it happens all the time, even during phone calls. But, I am really glad to see anyone do a double-take when they see me as Sam, a 100% certified girl. And having a guy's name is always a good conversation starter.

Every roadtrip held some surprises. Unexpected challenges may be fun too.

UptheHill

Majestic Mayon Volcano,
One of Bicol's Best Tourist Destination
(as viewed from Lignon Hill)

Chadd & I

(with the mountains, ocean & humanity as backdrop)

Interesting shot?!
(bamboo railing, etc.)






Smile!

Overloking:
View from Nature's Porch

Strike A Pose!

HELLO

Our first call...

Wow! what a way to end/start this week!

I got to hear my fave ym person' s voice via ym call. Ain't that grand? Eventhough my call wasn't coming through, it did...after 3 attempts. Patience & perseverance are always key elements in just about anything.

His voice is nice. There's a hint of witty playfulness. Good humor inspite of being in a quiet mood. Granted that it was only a short exchange, I just can't help but smile ('',) ...

Thanks, sweets!

For: Dr. McDreamy of Naga

The veil of worldwide web incognito is always appealing to shy (well, kinda shy) people like me. However, the ease of hitech is not a reason to just forget about boundaries or to step on others' feelings and sentiments. Owning up to what's written on personal blogs is a must.

That's the reason why I've taken this time, at 15 minutes past midnight on a Friday, to post a ShortTake for Dr. McDreamy of Naga - It's never my intention to put you in a predicament of any kind. As mentioned in my previous post (which I've promptly edited), I am not privy to any information about you and if I've gone beyond the limits of responsible blogging, may I ask for your dispensa again.

(P.S. I may not always see Dr. McDreamy of Naga everyday and I am not trying to win him over with words or anything. But I know that he is an awesome and respectable guy who's always ready with his trademark smile, gentle ways, silent good looks and Hippocratic abilities.)